evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
