Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
