Im at strip club and am horny
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize