When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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