CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
