Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
