Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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