is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
