paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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