My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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