med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
