He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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