Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
