I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
