i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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