i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Still dying that you shit outside
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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