if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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