Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
