I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
