So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
