Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
