the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
