so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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