Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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