i will never coherently bang her
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
