Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
