I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
