That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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