i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
