you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
