Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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