I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
