i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize