Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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