After last night, I could never be a politician.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
