Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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