i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
