I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize