if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
