just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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