He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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