I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
