Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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