I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
