just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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