A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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