I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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