Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
