I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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