I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
