peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
