i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
where does the pee come out of this thing
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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