My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
