Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My vagina is officially offended.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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