I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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