i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
