If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
