afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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