you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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