Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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