My cat gives me a boner
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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