I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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