smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
