At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
