i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
